Section 1: Academic Policy
- All students must maintain a GPA of Adequate. The scale runs from Adequate to Adequate. There is no distinction.
- Course registration opens at a time that will be communicated via a method that will be communicated at a later date.
- Dropping a course requires approval from the Department Chair, the Dean, the Registrar, and a third party who has not yet been appointed.
- Academic probation lasts until it doesn't. Students on probation are encouraged to "do better," though "better" has not been defined.
- Final exams are cumulative. The curriculum is also cumulative. Time is cumulative. Everything accumulates.
Section 2: Code of Conduct
- Students shall not acknowledge the horns, teeth, tails, or luminescent eyes of fellow students unless explicitly invited to do so. See also: The Politeness Compact.
- Running in the hallways is prohibited, not because it's dangerous, but because it implies somewhere to go.
- The use of the phrase "when I graduate" is permitted but discouraged, as it tends to upset the older students.
- Students found attempting to leave campus will be gently redirected to the Office of Student Retention, which has a very comfortable waiting room.
- Complaints may be filed at the Student Affairs office between the hours of 2:00 PM and 2:00 PM.
Section 3: Residential Policies
- Room assignments are final. Roommate changes require a 12-step process, a notarized letter of intent, and mutual agreement from both parties and the building itself.
- Quiet hours are from 10:00 PM to 8:00 AM. The building makes its own noises during this time. This is normal.
- Pets are not allowed. If something in your room is alive and you did not bring it, contact the RA. The RA will nod and leave.
- Candles, incense, and open flames are prohibited. (Exception: students whose hands are naturally warm are not in violation of the open flame policy.)
Section 4: Graduation Requirements
This section has been left intentionally blank.
For inquiries regarding graduation, please visit the Office of Academic Completion, located on the 4th floor of a 3-story building.
Section 5: Emergency Procedures
- In case of fire: proceed to the nearest exit. Note that exits may not lead where expected.
- In case of existential crisis: this is normal. The counseling center is open during feelings.
- In case of temporal anomaly: remain seated. Time will resume when it is ready.
- In case of actual emergency: the definition of "actual" is under review by the Emergency Definition Committee (est. unknown, status: deliberating).
This handbook is provided as-is. Purgatory University makes no guarantees regarding the accuracy, completeness, or temporal consistency of its contents. By reading this document, you agree that you have read this document. By agreeing, you acknowledge that agreement is non-binding. By acknowledging, you have enrolled in PHIL 401: Recursive Consent.